Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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