yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
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He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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