I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
