Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
