My Higher Power is John Stamos
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
