Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
