so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
