Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
