omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
