Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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