So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
