I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
