Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
