I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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