I want to stick my p in your. b.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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