Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
