i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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