Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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