I wish my penis had an off switch
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
