I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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