Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
