drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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