He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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