I'm so fucking centered right now
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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