I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
