Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
