That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
