So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
