Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
