Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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