I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Semen is not good for contacts.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
