I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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