I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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