Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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