I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
