He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
