They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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