I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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