we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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