Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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