nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Acid is not a monday night drug
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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