everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
