The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Lo siento on account of my penis...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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