If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
