I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
