On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
