you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
