Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
