You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
