I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
