My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
