I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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