And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
