Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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