I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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